I truly loved my previous roles as a leader for elite sports teams. Both at club level and in
the last years leading the Belgian National Team. Unfortunately, or maybe “obviously” is a
better description, it was not all about love. It was also lonely sometimes. In my case the
moments of loneliness mainly refer to something I would call “but in the end, everybody
looks at you”.
That something is part of your role, for example final decisions around selection, is
something everybody understands. You ask your staff for their opinion and input. You
have discussions all together to give everybody time and space to explain their choices
and arguments. “But whatever you decide, we support you” are words which I remember
and sincerely cherish. In healthy discussions everybody gets the chance to share what
they want and then truly are “ok” with what is decided as the outcome. The “ok” comes
from being heard, being seen, and being considered. I experienced that level of trust both high and healthy in our staff.
So what’s the problem? It’s part of your role and your staff supports the final direction.
Great right!? Well, I guess that’s why it’s called loneliness. In the end it’s driving home to
that one final night of lonely thoughts before the next day a list of 18 names goes out and a
few short calls to massively disappoint athletes telling them they are not going to play the
European Cup. I guess for me it’s in those last 24 hours that I experienced that perception
the heaviest: “But in the end, everybody looks at you”
It’s a systemic wisdom that just like in a family where mom and dad have a leading
position, it works the same in an organization or a team. You may like it, you may not. You
may believe you are “one of them”. You may believe you are equal and work in a fully
horizontal way. Stop dreaming, start accepting. You have a certain hierarchical position in
the system you work for. Learn to work with it. And no, that has nothing to do with top-
down, not cooperating, not being human, not working together, not trusting people. It is a
simple fact.
Sietse bakker and Leanne Steeghs wrote “Unlocking Systemic Wisdom” and speak about
3 roles of a leader in an organization:
Giving direction in relation with the environment. If you don’t have value for the outside world, there is no reason to exist.
Creating boundaries. What is right and wrong for us? What values and believes do we stand for (and protect)?
Creating a safe environment for employees to fulfill their potential in benefit of the organization.
I quite like the simplicity. And I know living up to them can be quite complex.
I loved giving direction and creating meaning. I felt lonely in
creating boundaries sometimes but also realize this was likely the case because I didn’t
always set them well and consistent enough. And creating a safe environment for people
to maximize their potential is what I get out of bed for.
Something is missing
When reading back the above, it feels like something is missing. It’s correct, it’s right, it
touches subjects I love. But it’s missing something. In my search to complete it, a video of
Brené Brown hits me. Speaking about the difference between fitting in and belonging,
here’s what she says: “Everything I’ve ever done that really made a contribution, I felt alone in doing it. But alive.”
"Yes! That’s it.
In the loneliness
I can also find what I loved."
It’s not only the moments I felt alone in difficult decisions. It’s also the ideas which have a positive impact that can make you feel alone as a leader. But so damn alive when they work out. It takes me back to writing notes for all players individually before a semifinal of the European Cup in 2017. But just as well to a more recent decision to block all Wednesday afternoons in my agenda to create time with my kids. Defending the idea, saying no to other offers and opportunities, it can feel lonely. But alive.
What’s your last moment of feeling lonely and alive!?
Niels
Video tip this time!